shades of gray men

Shades of gray men.

there are so many things i have wanted to say

have left you with questions my silence has refused to respond to

WARNING

i am nothing like who you think i am

just disaster volcano spewing

yellow pastel skirt and simple shoes

all song no rhythm

i am all the things you fear i am and then some.

i hear fathers are a blessing

a necessity on wedding days

i guess pretending i never wanted one, makes the cut heal

makes the rip of reality easier to drift into

there are so many things i have wanted to say

so much that hangs

words suicide back down my throat

i am the biggest coward of them all

all talk no bite

all talk no foresight

and then there is you

a messy monster with soft skin

when i lost my virginity it was because the room was dark enough and he smelled like you

sweaty rebellion

smelled like regrets

like 19 years later and i can still remember wanting to fuck you the next night

i remember my bedroom floor

isolated that time like it was the only

i remember when she kicked you out

told you to leave

how my 10th grade year she slapped you awake

asked why you had bloodied me

tore my flesh off like i was a meal you still wanted to eat

when i kiss my husband i wonder if I’ll taste you in his cheeks

find you hidden in the enamel behind his front teeth

call him by your name accidentally

i wonder if i’ll force his skin

press it into mine to avoid the conversations i feel there are no end to

how do i tell him that i may write this poem for the rest of my life?

that i never believed him in the first place

thought

the forever he kissed me with

was as fake as my surprise

i had no underwear on and i mopped the floor

sprayed my sheets lavender

and never intended to let him leave

There are so many things i have wanted to say

because it is you

Just another song bird off key

just the familiar of “left behind” the normal of “never fully wanted”

you too will leave

will drive, surf, race into another mission that will never lead you back to me

and i will be a speechless girl with hella poems

with a purse full of words your ego will never let you read

there are tears my hurt will never let fall

the stand off of a life time

when i was six

we drove 3000 miles to escape a day that had yet to come

bruises and language i adopted anyway

i didnt know he too became abandoned

She got the same excuses i have for the men we claimed forever to

vows i spoke softer than breath on mirror

foggy

my fingers sketching words i promise

forever

pretend i know how tangible the idea of 45 years later is

like i know anything about staying

i would be ready to deliver any day now

around your birthday

Magic would have been born a leo

and i cant shake the feeling that we should at least speak once a day

that i should be the hand you hold

and we should make eggs with cheddar cheese

on sundays i wanna praise God with you.

with my triangle of stories that sit just below the surface of every conversation i am too sheepish to have

you shades of gray men

haven of disfunction

ask me anything and i’ll break

i’ll spill like sour milk messy chunky even

and these poems are no different

smell stale and bitter

these poems in a book one day

that i will never want my daughter to find

will keep them where her father keeps his gun

a place we never intend to need to go but some unfortunate day we will

and her face will explode the way my heart has so many times before.

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