free write (for freedom)

I am a face full of tears
Puddle messy on the doorstep
You stepped over me

It is hard to breathe

Hard not to think
Hard not to remember
I miss everything
From laughter to 4am bowling dates
I miss how fate paired us up
So we’d break each other down

You made eye contact when you spit my favorite verse
Waved your handkerchief in my direction
Pointed me out
In a room full of folks who don’t know there was nowhere else I could have been
Told you I was proud then bounced
You called with I love you out your mouth first

How should I feel?
When “I love you” and “I’m sorry” is all you say
Ask me to tell you the ways it hurts like the description will change the pain

Letting you go was the one thing I never imagined I’d have to do
But here we are
In the city you abandoned me in
You are back to break my heart for the 4th time
And I am never ready
Love you real
Still
Forget with the distance
How the breaking cracks
Splinters
How the levees break
And the flood comes

You always want to watch
Want to see if I’ll drown this time

And now that you have come
Cuz you always come back
I hold you in the highest regard
Remember you first thing in the morning
Freshly showered
Laughter and shoelaces

And after the remembering is done
I am only left with questions
With trying to figure out how friendship fits when your wedding ring wasn’t ever suppose to
Wondering what the fuck you crack me open for?
What the fuck we spend so much time being honest for, if you trade it all for a housewife?
Minus the wife
Just a woman
Rocking a rock I would have cherished
Would have vowed to hug you
And care
To be there
On nights when your nerves are telling your memory to fail you
I would be there
Like I was
Like I always have been
Right there, where you needed me.

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