cusp of confession

One year ago
On the cusp of confession
I wondered if he would kiss me
This time
Loved him like certainty
Rest in sleep
Like
Barefoot and in place
Over pie, I knew no such thing was possible
Learned not to wish for such things
A point of view apart
I love him no less just with more distance and clearer honesty
Done with the coded language and double entendres
It’s clear he never got to know me
Delivered myself in bite-size pieces
But he likes to choke
So I let him

2.
She asked if I feel empty sleeping with men I don’t love
I told her
I love not thinking about him once he leaves
I love the fantasy and the way it vanishes
The way he tries to break me
As if I have never been broken
Love the fact that he doesn’t know a cut that’s in me healing
Can’t sense when I’m different cuz I’m always the same
He doesn’t know- I was different one second before he came.

3.
I was new and young
Fresh meat for the salivating
He asked me out to coffee
Met him at some spot
Drank tea he didn’t offer to pay for
Had been around enough “men” to have had no expectation that he would
Said there was a party
Some guy “slim” was throwing
It was his birthday, I think
He drove
Front seat full of everything
I sat in the back
He slid his hand on my knee
I thought that was lovely
As the car halted I envied the way a fence dared to hug a pool
We were in an ally behind apartments
Music mingled with the folds in the street
The water dance wickedly
A wild temptress with bold curves
I went to open the door
Child safety locks in place
Meant to keep children from being ripped from the car
Meant to bring peace of mind

And there I was

A serpent nearing me
He slithered into the back seat
Took the only thing I owned

There is no sense of safety after a robbery

As he drove through the city back to my car
I lay under the view
Out of contact
Made no movement
I was too shocked to breathe
He opened the accomplice that had kept me in
I poured out onto the concrete
Found my footing and protected my car from being another place hostages know
My back against the door he leaned down and kissed me
Said he would see me around
When my body was in the safety of a car that would not betray me
I shook so hard the tears came to save me
And there was never any alarm
Never a twinge in my spine to warn me
The last time there were no alarms
Was the first real lie my mother ever told me
Masked all the naughty things with fun visits with no return
The betrayal of a silent god

Two days later I still couldn’t get out of bed and no one came to claim me
No team of worry to surround me
No words that fix how broken rape feels

4.
She wonders about my divinity
I check for my sanity
She prays for my soul
I name my wounds
Magic, love, sunrise & sunset
Etched into my flesh like I need reminding
Scrapped across my chest these are my trophies
These battle scares are mine to keep
The only pieces in tact
Beautiful
Like the longing for a kiss

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One thought on “cusp of confession

  1. Natalie, I am in awe. Interested in who exactly is running, or as you more appropriately say, holding the space, for Da Poetry Lounge – as it is space you’re holding, really…space in all realms…physical, mental, emotional, spiritual – I see your name and check your website. Unprepared for the emotion, the rest of my world fades to black. I am drawn in. Wanting to wrap myself around every single poem on this blog, balancing that fine line of being in it, being close without touching. Feeling. Feeling it. Grateful for your skill of beautifully capturing the raw. The essence of real. The real deal. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your voice is powerful, touchable, healing. Tomorrow. DPL. 1st time. My wishes are to read and to meet you. Not necessarily in that order. ~Hollace Dowdy

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