After omission.

I only wanted to be happy for you
But this
I am not good enough
Must be too fat

Aint I beautiful too
Creeps in unexpectedly
On afternoons crowded by people who do not know the sound of my thunder
Of my break
I tried to keep my face from being downpour
But damn the news hit me like a tidal wave

I wish I could blame this on the mountain air
Wish there was a person to hate
A reason for the sadness that hangs

On my birthday I will picture your smile
Calm, bright but not shining in my direction
It is the strangest of things to have a feeling
Real as touch and sound
If only I had the right instrument perhaps you could taste my heartbeat
Hear me melting
It is funny how omission can sound honest as truth until the mention of a trip you are taking

Funny how he had time for you

I wonder how many have had to sit across from my joy
My laughter
My story of the day
How many have been crumbling at the table next to me
Have I heard her sad song play in the car next to me?
Final drag on her hopeless cigarette before the downpour as I drove away

And nothing is different in the world once you break
Only the way you see it
The way it feels across your skin
How shrill voices sound
The way laughter is unforgiving

Before we left
He asked was I proud of him
“For what, falling in love?”
That was not my real question
Something more like: why does it matter if I am proud anyway?

When I wake up
I will be happy for you
And less hurt
I will remember that you are amazing separate from the feelings that grew roots
Spread and set up shop in my heart

This is how I learned people are not to be owned
Have experiences that justify actions
You didn’t tell me enough of your secrets to make this sting less
To not feel personal
I will not to be your substitute girlfriend
When long distances kicks the shit of you
I will remember the way our friendship became concrete
How the fall from the pedestal you placed me on broke my teeth
How chocolate is sometimes semi sweet
The bitter aftertaste truth sometimes brings
I will imagine your thanksgiving table
Your invitation to sit at it
Your parents who I will not meet
I am not interested in being the shadow tied to your feet.


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