between impulse and filter.

When his name pops up on my screen at 12:31 on a Wednesday night
I knew this was a rarity to appreciate
A simple thing not to come again for a while

He led with
“Late night for you?”
and Sometimes the question answers more about the person asking

When I met him
I was 16
The year I lost my virginity and discovered the way boys bend to my whim

He was an experiment in watching things cringe
I knew more than I should have because I let him talk
Watched his habits
His sadness
How when she left
It is as if he glued himself to structure to not feel the disintegration of things
Not 20 minutes in we were dangerously open

But that’s how life is

I’ll be 29 this year
Ten years since I graduated from a place that encouraged me to express as long as it didn’t have anything to do with the way I saw them
In a letter once I wrote how being close can mimic a relationship
Watched him create just enough distance to make me miss the last month of my senior year so I didn’t have to see him

I filter things now
Dazzle audiences with rawness but create brick walls in relationship
Everyone isn’t down for random honest moments
So I backspace long enough
Hoping they will see the way my words tread water

He said: I’m forever in transition
To which I replied: Is that how you like it?
This was the first of many questions he could not answer plainly so he settled for a warning
“I’m discovering that I run from the settled, from commitments
That I can’t be “had” frustrates people”
I admitted witnessing him trapped
Controlled but craving the freshness of air
And wilderness
Of nothing to be responsible to
Just skin and heart beat
Just survive today
But I wonder what’s the point in that?

He is not the best friend these days
I’ll remedy that with hugs
With the healing quality of touch
He inserts bold moves
“Is your bed not calling you?
Are you not ready to crawl into it?”
And will shift out of them as fast as in

There is so much he must learn about me

“You must think I need to be taught,” he wrote
“What will you teach me?”
I wonder what he wants to learn?
He prefers to be instructed
I question how well he surrenders
He flirts with the idea but the actually is a beyond his grip
Inserts maybe instead of yes
Has always struggled with NO around me

I can’t help but notice the words he strings together like “good move for DEALING with me”
Like he is a burden
Who told him he was not worth the moment he is in?
He worries his honesty will make me lose complete respect for him
Something I can never imagine
Have seen too much struggle to pretend it could erase my love

He asks: What did you discover in your experiment with your ex? ‬
‪How to listen beyond my comfort‬
How to speak bravely
He taught me that there are no limits to love but there are parameters

And sitting as a student while you played teacher made the understanding between us unacceptable
But I am woman now
Have made boys out of men twice as old as you
I got a mouth I know how to use now
And a run out of batteries pocket watch point of view
I am an artist and I see god in you
See pain and glory
If you’ll let me stand closer than the surface
I can make a masterpiece out of you
Hands dirty but spirit gentle
Ask nicely and I’ll teach you how to love what you feel… this time.

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