Day 12. The shadows of blue.

When I no longer feel like myself
And I have tried to fuck the blues away
I will be tired
Will feel unproductive and directionless
My lover’s hands will not be convincing enough
His beautiful kind words will sound like fluff
He whispers too often “I just want to make you happy”
I don’t mean to sound jaded but it sounds like a crutch
Like pre programmed language boys use on girls they don’t know how to tell the truth to
And when I am done filling holes
Done pretending I am more fantasy than flesh and bone
I will sit in my room for days
Only leaving for a daily shower
A meal or two and the sunset
I still will love sunset

My friends will try to cheer me up
But will have the same problems they need fixing and I will oblige
Will always listen
Will give them compassionate advice and wonder why they cant see that I need some
They will come and go
Call and text
But I will still sit in the shadows of blue

1. I miss you
2. You are the most beautiful person, inside and out. Love the fuck out of you

He did not follow up with a 3 but I think he meant to
I think when he pressed, “ always asking the universe to prioritize you” into his smart phone he just forgot to put the number 3 before it

I smashed 17 ants today
They were crawling around in my space
I don’t like it when they do that

The Internet is a great distraction
But at the end of the day I still am longing for something worth creating for
Something to be inspired by
And this life bores me sometimes
Crowds me with monotony
And bills and problem that are too mundane to solve
Where is the fun?
And can I even afford it should I find it?

I don’t mean to sound so fingernails against chalk board
But it is one of those days

And a stiff drink won’t even faze me

I used to be good at nights
Would be furiously creating what I thought was the most important work of my life
Until this became my life
Dependant on words
And there is a magic in that
Something so captivating
But sterile about always working alone
Only coming out to show or tell
And I think some are cut out for this
For being in their head mostly
But I am more hands on
More wind in hair
More kiss and hush

I randomly text my lover that he makes me feel not so lonely
He replies what he whispers in my ear
“I just want to make you happy”

The irony.


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