Love today

I do not love you today
I am counting the ways
In fact, I’ve made a list
Don’t even like you much right now
but
Yesterday, yesterday I was wide open
Leaning in to love you
Felt the wind from the door slam just beyond the tip of my nose
Adjusted my pride
Took a step back

I do not love you today

I will not even look for reasons to
Will not get caught up in someone else and become disoriented in my own life
I have dreams too
The difference is how we chase them
I do not back burner you
You are not optional
not either or

The thing about being selfish is anyone can be
Some put it on
wear it like jacket
Button it up
Use it to shield from feelings

I am a causality of war
We bring boys back with Purple Hearts like it is a sign of royalty
But forget to tend to the damage

I do not love you today
so I will say
All the things my love won’t let slip through the cracks
You are a childish, self-absorbed mothafucker
You are emotionally retarded
You are too scared to make the first move on the girl you love
You are not a risk taker
You are a ceiling fan, watching but afraid to be involved
The worst dj at the best party
You are fucking up the vibe
So I do not love you today
Because yesterday
I said your name more times than I even thought of my own
Made you more comfortable than I have ever been
Took a bus and a train to sit and laugh with you
so Today..
I will do my laundry
And tidy my closet
I will re-arrange my bookshelf
Throw away the random papers and receipts
I will make myself breakfast
Might smoke a little w***
Might take a walk, hell I might even run
I will hold my own hand
And bake sweets because I am deserving
And this is the part in the poem where I don’t apologize for using the word retarded because that’s exactly what I meant
Won’t back peddle thinking of tomorrow cuz it is today
And I am mad
Mad that I love a person that could rush me out the door, to go to the store
Stutters when making mistakes instead of starting with I’m sorry

This is not how I want it to be
But I don’t love you today

The reality is
I am trying to catch my breath
Trying to find my heartbeat
So I can try to love you properly tomorrow.

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